Jacqui's visit to Montclair and NYC....

Was SO wonderful having my 'bestie' Jacqui come and stay with us for 6 very short nights....!!! Luckily we spent two fabulous nights in NYC together... chatting and chatting, shopping and hanging out....... it had been 4.5 years since we last saw each other... but time and distance hasn't changed a thing!! Miss you Jacqui!

Jonah cakes at 5 months

Here is my adorable little man....

The uninspiring French....

Not sure if its ME or just circumstance.... but since living in France now for past 21 months, I've hardly had any desire or motivation to write. Usually I'm an avid writer, but here I'm totally uninspired........

hmmmm...

Ok, I guess throw in the complexities of living abroad with a new baby is partly to blame, but apart from that it's a damn shame this beautiful country of France is largely tarnished by ...well ....... the French!!

If ever you come away from a cafe or shop feeling like you were the client or made to feel special - well then go and buy yourself a lottery ticket -- as this is a rare!! For me I"m often met with a stone gaze, never a smile and often not even made eye contact with!!! It's all rather preposterous....

Then on the other hand you have the half/half french - one partner anglais, one french or from another country and these people are amazingly open and welcoming. Often not as narrow (obviously living abroad means they are open to the rest of the world, other cultures, new languages and understand that France isn't the Super Nation) and are happy to befriend you into their circle.

I've decided to not let the uninspiring French deter me from what I enjoy doing... but focus on the beauty of the land, my environment and all the wonderful international crowd I am meeting daily. Now. that's inspiring!

Winterwonderland

Baby days...

Each day is largely different but so similiar with a baby. The routines are set - sleep, eat, play, nappies.... and are like clockwork, but each day has it's own new set of challenges and adventures.

I often find myself wondering how on earth I'm going to fill in the day to keep it fun and varied for Sebastien (and for myself!), and somehow I pull it off every day...and I'm amazed how being so silly really makes baby laugh..... it's hilarious!!

Grey, rainy, 0 to 2 degree temp days aren't that pleasant right now... walking outside is frigid and not that appealing or pleasant, but having a large home is a blessing and I'm lucky.

Let's get physical...

Go the leg-warmers darling one!!

Rantings or ravings?

Ok if I have a little whinge?

Certain adjustments are necessary whilst making 'France' your home. Beautiful country, mostly nice people (yes, I must admit* I haven't as yet met the quintessential snotty nose French person as yet), great food....but EVERYTHING takes SO SO SOOOOOO long to get done! My goodness......general queues in shopping centres make the longest Xmas lines in Sydney look tiny and think 'what was I ever complaining about'...and just the basic administration of France is painstakingly unbearably long, long, loooooong.... even if you DO speak the language!

I thought motherhood was testing my patience and I've discovered that I'm a pretty dam relaxed and patient person, but many times during the day here I have to take a deep, DEEP breath in and exhale loong and slowly to avoid myself from yelling, screaming or wanting to shout out, "Hurry the **** up!".

Ok..no more whinging. Other than that, France is great!

Babblings....

Here is my beautiful son, Sebastien Andrew Lawson, who gives me the most pleasure and fun more than anyone.

Born 26th April 2008, he is now 15 weeks old and really starting to 'talk' and has such a strong personality forming.

He smiles freely and laughs at silly things and also has a strong set of lungs on him. He certainly will make his mark somewhere in the world.

Soon we leave for Paris to live... more adventures to follow..

Winter chills and brrrrrrr....

I'm not going to let the external forces of this winter let me hibernate!

Firstly we live in a country which doesn't experience shockingly cold winters...but more mild ones.. although from my experience I do find the aussie winters (at times) much more unbearable than any german, scottish, english, french or american winter I have experienced....

True that I'm rugged up more in northern hemisphere plus the homes and infrastructure are better designed and far more well equipped for dealing with such chilly temps..... hmmmm... I shall find a workable equilibrium with working outdoors in these dark, cold, lonely mornings...getting up at 5.15am and exercising in 5 degrees is a challenge right now....ohhh poor me..! :-))

Something that does brighten up these cooler darker days in winter are my new little friends...I've recently moved into the most gorgeous new place & environment ...yet!! I hear their little beaks tapping on the kitchen window of a morning and their little call out for food.... I succumb and feed them... rather gorgeous isn't it!!

Shall we dance?

Why do we so often as adults give up what we loved from our childhoods? Increased responsibilities....blah blah..... lack of time...blah blah.....new directions.....blah blah.......inhibitions??

Whatever the reason, I miss certain things. First and foremost I miss dancing.

I started at the ripe 'ol age of 3 (I still have my first ballet shoes) and danced up until I was 15....ballet, jazz, tap..and of course the Saturday night under 18 discos... wasn't a bad hip hop type dancer. Even won the odd record!

I was certainly no primadonna and most likely pretty average at dancing, but I really loved it. The creativity, the movement, the expression, the adrenaline of performance nerves and simply feeling the music within you... definitely addictive!

So, why did I stop?

Since being 15, I've dabbled here and there, adult classes, bit of fun, but I guess nothing really replicates being a teenager and dancing with your friends, making up dances and laughing.... somehow we never felt silly or inhibited... but now I find myself embarassed when twirling diagonally down the studio (room full of wannabe dancers) nearly careening into the person ahead of me.....or shaking my 'booty' in front of the mirror and having all the other bits, the wrong bits, shake more... hmmm....

Not to mention the time my mother and I embarked on irish dancing lessons some years back...oh dear, I have never laughed so hard seeing my mother attempt to move her legs swiftly whilst leaving her arms by her side....I have never laughed so hard, so hard that I had to excuse myself from the class to regain composure... sorry Mum!!

I'm not giving up though... heading into 31 years and I'm ready to give it a whirl (or should I say twirl) again!

Dancing here I come.... anyone game to join me!

Something fun and new!

My new business website has been launched today! Check it out:-

http://www.anewleif.com.au

Awakenings

This pic kind of sums up how I'm feeling today.. mixture of awe, amazement, tiredness and full of hope! So much change going on that at times it's hard to keep up with it all. Which way to go..? what is right, what is wrong? Should I question?

This questioning reminds me of a poem I wrote whilst living in Newcastle back in 1994.

I read it every so often and realise not much changes throughout the years.... (well, internally anyway!!)

Life is a stream of forever complexities

Not knowing which way to flow or the right way to

Scared of the consequences that may result in the right path to take...

Should we follow our heart or do what nature has already set out for us...

The feelings inside are hard to withhold, but may flow over with any such urge

Like a hole that has no ending, a life can seem dark with no vision

A vision to guide and be there whenever life may seem dark and foreboding

To put trust in life is also like trusting dark corners

No one knows which way our hearts will turn, but to the way of our destiny...

If people opened out and saw the goodness of our world, many of the dark corners would no longer exist...

The flow of life is like the tide upon the sand..it has its ups and downs but always remains constant and our giver

The knowledge of being there for someone is bound to make things seem worthwhile if the complexities of life are too overwhelming.

Put trust in yourself to find your heart and share this among life's other beings.

23/6/1994

Nostalgic moments

The first day of 2007!

I've been reading old old (love) letters, diaries and gorgeous notes dating back to 1985. Surprisingly I still feel those emotions mentioned in the letters, perhaps somewhat hilarious yet beautiful, and at times don't feel like the 30 year old I should....

A nice relief actually...

Helping my parents tidy up their attic today... going through boxes and boxes of all my treasures I have held on to for soooo long. I can't depart with them all just yet.... I have the WHOLE collection of Trixie Belden adventures and a teddy bear collection to freak out any parent... but that's me and I would love to pass on all my treasures to my children, or someone else's oneday. Each book, each letter, each photo is such a lovely memory which I cherish. I've come home with more boxes and now need to find a new home.... or simply read them all and let go of hoarding the past.

I shall see....

In pursuit of ....

I read an interesting article by Deepak Chopra recently highlighting the many faces of happiness. I think this is a topic which resonates close to many of us at various times in our life, if not fairly frequently. How often I hear someone ask me, 'are you happy?'. Gosh what a loaded question... difficult to answer truthfully.

As the end of the year nears, I'm trying to think of anything at all which I felt has aided in my peace, my contentment, my smiles and my joy this year. Lets reflect for a moment....

Deepak mentions happiness is not something which is caused by an external influence, such as seeking happiness through secondary means as - a nice car, a relationship, a bigger house, better job etc... he challenges this notion by ascertaining that these external forces never truly create joy, but joy is the cause and happiness is the effect (these external forces can be taken from us at any given time... then we are left with nothing..???)

We must be happy for no particular reason... and that is pure happiness... an inner consciousness.

Happiness is fleeting... here are a few of my moments of joy and thus happiness for 2007...

1. IL Divo Concert - yes the music and voices continue to inspire me and fill me with hope when I'm feeling reflectiv. Hope.

2. The moments after exercising - I'm on a high and feel so so happy within myself. Contentment.

3. Being alone - I realise when I hang out with myself that I can (and do) make myself happy. Heading to see a film alone, or taking a nice walk or simply lying in bed reflecting. Inner reflections.

4. Helping - the feelings of helping my clients/friends/family with anything, aids in my overall sense of achievement that perhaps I make some kind of difference, no matter how small to someone's life on this planet. A purpose.

5. Friends - I find them so inspiring and uplifting. After chatting with my close girlfriends (mainly) I feel alive and energetic. They fill me with such hope and a stronger sense of myself. Understanding.

6. Relationship - entering into a new relationship this year fills me with a sense of stripping back the layers and revealing myself on a deeper level to someone special - frightening and joyous together. Love.

Possibly most of my happy moments are caused by external means... if these are in fact windows into happiness. I'm certainly not an enlightened being just yet.....

The Great Divide

Admittedly last Friday night I started to feel the 'xmas spirit' as my flatmate, Neds, and I put up our xmas tree. What fun and of course the inner child was somewhat released momentarily...

I remember those cool feelings of extreme excitement build as the day loomed closer... I remember organising carols with my parents and grandmother... writing out the lyrics to the songs on paper 3 times (for each adult) and tying the 'program' together with coloured wool. I would ring my bell to signal the start of the xmas eve carols and then proceed to play the piano while the 3 obliging adults sang along...

xmas' were always fairly quiet... but I didn't mind that and I still don't.

The day after my emotion-filled-tree-hugging episode I ventured to the local shopping mall to begin the task of buying stuff. I call it 'stuff' because that's what I refer to 'things' in life which take up more space and give me excitement generally for the period of carrying the bag/s around the shopping centre and then back to the car. Once it's home...I realise that I have to now care for this 'stuff' and find a new home for it. More and more stuff we accumulate in life.....

I tend not to do this anymore... unless absolutely necessary. What xmas is about is giving to others... buying stuff that hopefully chosen other's will enjoy and cherish for a few moments, perhaps longer...

However this particular day, as do most days of shopping...saddens me. Xmas, malls, money... all reiterate and highlight the great divide in our society. There was a man standing outside the mall, looking like he needed a good meal and shower busking all morning ...whilst young families, teenagers and the like, clip-clopped around in their Jimmy Choo sandals, wafting of Armani, sipping soy decaf's...

The scene again and again takes my breath away in life... highlighting the great social & economic divide of our world..... Ok perhaps not so extreme here in comparison to the other parts of the world suffering far far greater than not being able to purchase the latest Gucci handbag... but one man busking for a meal and there I am feeling really inadequate in wanting to spend money on more stuff.

This xmas my ... well, I shall call them my extended family... have decided that we won't give presents to each other but donate to a charity of choice. I'm struggling in making a decision. I would like to give to many and also give my time as I have done in the past. I much prefer the 'doing' than simply handing over money.

This time of year does make me grateful for all that I have in life... I have such abundance of everything, more stuff than I could ever need or use... I'm so so lucky.

In all shapes and sizes

I'm in a good place right now.

This is not to say that I don't suffer bouts of vulnerabilities, feelings of inadequacies /not fitting in, and overall general confusion about life and what I'm doing!! -- the good part now is that I know how to handle it more.
Life doesn't get easier I've finally worked out...but each day, each month, each year I'm accepting myself more and realising 'I am OK'.
My mistakes are what they are, for me to bear and to move on from, but they also shape who I am today.

I wouldn't want to change that.

I've allowed a new love to enter into my life. I was somewhat reluctant, cautious and careful at first, but now after 5 months of having this marvellous being in my life, I feel blessed ready and relaxed. Whatever lies ahead (who knows!), bring it on, because I don't want to miss it for the world!!

Loving someone slowly and gradually is a brand new experience for me. I've relentlessly dived in, falling head over heels in love (thinking is there any other way??) and after 3 weeks almost ready to sign my heart away...

This time is completely different. Truly. The love is growing and growing each week and at times amazes me, surprises me. WOW, this friend, best friend who I am with, whom I"m growing to love amazes me with his honestly, his rawness, his affection, his words, his trust, his playfulness, sharing his stories, and mostly his boundless patience.

I feel I'm learning sooo much from this love, this experience, the journey -- about life, myself and importantly about love. It truly feels like a new experience for me.

Thank goodness for all my mistakes.

Guten Nacht. xo

Spring beginnings...

I'm not a huge fan of horses...but who couldn't resist stopping to capture this precious moment between mother and child. The paddock was full with young ones frolicking around enjoying the start to spring... well, nearly summer!

Getting out of Sydney for a drive is so rewarding to the body and mind. The fresh air (well, depends where in the country you are..), open roads, the scents of summer approaching, people watching, drinking pineapple juice at a local pub whilst baby kookaburras fly overhead... why wouldn't you?

Isn't it grand to be alive!

Book Club

Succulent Wild Woman
A book I read some years ago and recently found myself picking up again....

A book about being yourself, accepting yourself and finding yourself in all the wonderful, scary and outrageous ways we are OURSELVES.

I have bought this book for a few of my close girlfriends over the years, who have all loved it.
I reread parts now and then when I'm feeling I need confirmation of something or a bolt of energy into my body. SARK has this tremendous way of writing and confirming how special and unique we all truly are.

This book energises me....

Dancing eyes are back!!

Here to stay...

Doubting Thomas

Last night I was called a "Doubting Thomas".

Never really thought of myself as a 'doubter'. More of a sceptic at times and not easily led, but I always find it interesting learning all these tidbits about yourself as we journey.

My mother always said, "words are cheap", so I've always thought more of myself as an action-oriented type of person. How easy is it to say kind things to someone.... slightly harder perhaps to display them or perform an act of kindness.

My mission for the next week is to believe and be more accepting of the kind words I hear from my close friends, and not always doubt the true nature of those words and the meanings behind them.